Last night, I found myself scrolling through Facebook.
I came across a picture of one of my best friends at a local bar with some of her crew. She looked flawless.
Her Saturday night look was “on point,” as they say.
Her pictures on Instagram showed her decline into madness that night.
My own Instagram picture showed me on the couch, my feet propped up on the arm rest.
I had a glass of chilled milk on the coffee table, and my glasses were resting on my stomach because I had taken a break from reading.
We’re both in our mid-20s.
Yet, the idea of being anywhere outside of my living room on a Saturday night made me feel uneasy.
Here are 14 signs you’re no longer in your early-20s and thus, no longer any fun:
1. The idea of going out on Saturday night makes you ill.
Like, the image of standing around in heels, sloshing back vodka sours and shots of whatever that guy at the bar would hustle you to drink is enough to make you vomit.
When it’s Saturday night, you want your flannel pajamas and, like, a cup of hot chocolate or something.
2. You’re always tired.
True story: I’m always tired.
Like this morning, I woke up after sleeping for almost 10 hours.
But I feel just as exhausted as I was while pulling all-nighters in college.
You’re never not tired.
You’re just existing on a constant loop, dreaming about when you can finally go back to bed.
3. You have more than one gray hair.
If you’re one of those women whose hair hasn’tbegun to develop a slight silver hue, go away.
The rest of us are mourning the fact we just saw one, two, three dear God, six gray hairs at the top of our heads.
4. You watched “It’s A Wonderful Life” on TV this past weekend instead of going out.
You probably cried like a baby when Clarence got his wings.
He’s no longer an AS2.
5. You have a stance on what’s going on in the world.
You have strong opinions about it because unlike when you were in your early 20s you realize you’re affected by every decision.
6. You think today’s music is garbage.
You’ve literally become your dad. You say, “I just don’t get music today.”
It’s true; today’s music is literally just noise.
Can we just bring early 2000s Britney back, please?
7. The mailman dropped off a circular for ShopRite that you didn’t just throw away.
Because you have grocery shopping to do next Friday.
Hey, look! There’s $.50 off Activia yogurt.
8. Your bottles of vodka have been replaced with bottles of wine.
Because they’re classy.
9. You’re a much more cautious driver.
You shake your head and look at drivers condescendingly when theypass you, only to realizethey’reteenagers.
They just don’t know any better.
10. You’ll drink any type of coffee.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good, bad or downright terrible.
You’ll drink all of it and feel the resentment and bitterness with every sip.
Coffee is coffee.
You’re not about to stand in line for 15 minutes at Starbucks for a good cup of coffee.
You can just drive to work and pour yourself a cup of overly strong, bitter Maxwell House.
11. You realize the importance of making your bed in the morning before you leave for work.
It just feels nice coming home to an organized house, even if you promise yourself you’ll do the dishes tomorrow.
12. You spent at least 20 minutes last weekend shredding documents or old bills.
Because identity fraud.
13. Your wish list for your birthday and the holidays have become more practical.
I really need a new Crock-Pot.
I also want comfy sneakers because walking around the mall in Uggs on Black Friday was impossible.
Oh, I also want a new bathrobe because mine has a hole in it.
14. You don’t feel like a kid anymore.
In your early 20s, you were energetic and excited to be out on your own.
You were making decisions, being carefree and getting drunk just because you could.
Then, suddenly, you’re in your mid-20s (nearing 30, mind you) and suddenly, all of that just seems tiring.
You’re not about effort anymore.
You’re about comfy shoes, staying in on Friday night, crying at whatever movie is playing and falling asleep at 9 pm because it feels downright awesome.
This is your break before the kids come.